The Great Scam

My grandpa has never, not once, touched his lips to a bottle of store-bought water. He does not, at all times, carry on his person a half gallon of the wet stuff. And amazingly enough, he has never found himself dehydrated while traveling the 1/2 mile from home to work.

He has never fainted from thirst-fueled exhaustion as he drove 4 hours to the Ho-Chunk Casino without – gasp- an industrial size bottle of “Gushing Geyser” spring water at the ready.

My point being, bottled water drinkers are buttwhacks (and wusses).

I point the finger of blame at myself of course. I have been guilty, on many occasions, of spending good money on H2O at the corner Kum and Go or Pump ‘n Munch, when the tap water in the bathroom is completely free, and likely better for me. All I need to take advantage of this gratis water source is my own hard plastic, portable, and ever-ready personal water container.

Repeat after me -”I vow to never, ever, under penalty of eternal shame and embarrassment, buy a bottle of water, thereby avoiding revealing myself as a supreme buttwhack incapable of making a logical decision if my life depended upon it.”

You may wonder, “what’s wrong with spending a little cash on a bottle of water. I can afford it?”

Good question, but not the point.

When we buy that bottle of water,we are buying into the idea that the goodness contained within the slick packaging was harvested directly from a clear mountain spring somewhere with a super fresh sounding name like ‘Sparkling Spring’ or ‘Glistening Rock, and is healthier than your local water.

The truth is, that water with the provocative name could likely have come from a municipal water supply. Maybe even YOUR municipal water supply. How can that be, you ask? Because regulation is weak or non-existent. Quality control depends on the commitment of the company.

Lets say that in your case, the bottled water you chose is in fact “spring” water. Consider this…

Spring water and mineral water have dissolved minerals in forms that cannot be absorbed by the body and which are an additional load to the kidneys.

The government allows a certain amount of toxic metals in spring water. Spring water is not guaranteed to be free of bacteria.

Bottled water is usually sold in soft plastic containers, which must be suspect for leaching xenoestrogens (estrogen mimickers associated with breast cancer) into the water. Often bottled water tastes like plastic.

So there you have it. Lets suck it up and have some water at home before we head to work. We’ll make it.

Chances are, our workplace has numerous water faucets enabling us to stay hydrated throughout the day. One more water before we head home, and don’t forget to stop and spend the money we saved, on an ice cold six pack of bottled beer.